All Loves Excelling
by Celandine Brandybuck
Summary: It was not until his third visit to Narnia that for the first time in his life Edmund found himself in a position where he could freely exchange affection with an equal.


**Note: **Written for Roxie Ann for the 2008 Yuletide New Year's Resolution.

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Edmund was no warrior to match his brother Peter, but he had prowess enough to acquit himself with honour in the great tournaments, though he won them rarely or never. He knew that his opponents did not spare him because of his rank; he watched all of them carefully as they fought one another, and judged their quality with a practiced eye.

He thought that no one saw what else he judged: the turn of a well-moulded calf, the breadth of muscled shoulders, the glint of passion in a clear eye. At times the beauty of one among them as he fought would take Edmund's breath away, but he concealed his desire.

In the Cair Paravel library, though, Edmund found old books of courtesy and knightly behaviour which suggested that feelings such as his were not uncommon among warriors, but had been considered quite usual in the time before the White Witch came. Nevertheless he dared do little beyond instituting certain rituals of brotherhood amongst the younger men in their court. A kiss and embrace became the accepted form of greeting, and if Edmund found pleasure in his bed at night, recalling the casual touch of one young lord or another, none would know or care. His position as king, however, made him wary of showing overt favour to any. He would not bring trouble to the throne.

When he visited the Calormene Empire he was offered, as part of their show of hospitality, the services of both women and boys, night after night. He always declined. The feigned desire of a slave, however willingly offered or pleasant it might be, did not suit his wish for an embrace between equals. Discretion might be thus served, but not honour.

The years slipped by, golden beads on a silken thread, and Edmund counted himself lucky; if he had not the opportunity to find the love he sought, nevertheless he had true companions in his brother and sisters, and he resolved to wait in patience for whatever the future might bring. Aslan had redeemed him once, and he trusted that all would be well in the end.

After his return from Narnia, and installment at boarding school, Edmund's instinctive revulsion from an unequal communion was reinforced. He endured the demands of his elders as the other junior boys did, without complaint; but it was endurance only, and he promised himself that when he was senior, he would not act so. Acceptance was not willingness, not even when there was pleasure to be found.

Nevertheless the experience taught him much of what could pass between two men, and he recognised that his desires were no passing fancy. As he had done throughout his years as king, Edmund waited, now finding companionship with his fellows, though the hierarchy of the school forbade them from doing anything more, unless it were hidden. Edmund made no great show of his preferences -- no purpose would be served thereby -- but he would not conceal it and thus had no wish to find a partner among his schoolmates.

Edmund fell in love with Caspian when first they met, but he did not then admit it to himself, considering it merely the same attraction he had so often felt for a handsome warrior, the stronger perhaps because it had been long since he had seen one. Furthermore, he could tell that the young king was enamoured of Peter -- although to Edmund's mind Caspian seemed unaware of the true nature of his affection. Peter, used to hero worship, was oblivious to any such undercurrents, and Edmund resigned himself to his usual solitude. There was much to be done, and little chance that Caspian's eyes would be opened when he had so many more pressing matters to attend to, and little time to think of the benefits of peace.

Having met Caspian, it was more and more difficult for Edmund to resign himself to the necessities of boarding-school life, but he reminded himself daily that it would not last forever. He studied hard, earning a reputation amongst the masters for his ability at Latin and mathematics, but it was on the rugby field that he strove hardest to shine. Ability there earned him respite from the intimacies that grew less supportable as time went on. He also practised fencing as a reminder of his time as king, though of course he told no one of that, instead justifying it as a way to enhance his agility and fierceness. Though he never matched Peter's easy excellence, nor his prestige, Edmund's name evoked a certain respect by his last years in school, enough that his refusal to choose a junior as his fag brought no adverse consequences.

It was not until his third visit to Narnia that for the first time in his life Edmund found himself in a position where he could freely exchange affection with an equal. Caspian was distinctly the older now, in count of years, but Edmund had the greater experience both in ruling as a king in Narnia and in being lover to another man, and it was Caspian who sought out Edmund one heated night on the _Dawn Treader_ and begged Edmund to teach him.

This was what he had been born to do, Caspian the person he had been born to love, Edmund realized, giving his assent. Caspian's hands were sword-calloused but gentle, and he trembled as Edmund showed him the passage to that joy they both desired. Afterward Edmund told Caspian how he had always longed to be with an equal, and Caspian nodded gravely, replying that he, too, had never felt able to approach any man, lest the one he sought bear no true desire, but accede only to the will of the king. They made pledge to each other, then, and swore fealty and loyalty until the world should end.

That night after Edmund had returned to his own hammock, he dreamed that Aslan came to him, touching his tongue to Edmund's forehead in benediction. When Edmund awoke, he knew that whatever might happen, even after his inevitable return to his own world, he and Caspian would be as one.


End file.
